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Jokes Are Not Hilarious

Non-Jokes - Jokes With No Punchline

What do you call a man with a spade in his head? Nomenclature is not important at this juncture: stem the bleeding and support his neck without movement; ensure he is warm and then alert the emergency services immediately.
Knock-Knock! "Who's there?" "It's the police. I'm afraid your husband has been involved in a terrible accident."
What do you get if you cross a parrot and a centipede?-Nothing, the genetic makeup of the two species differs so dramatically that such a breeding programme would be rendered impossible
A horse walks into a pub and orders a drink. The barman is terrified and ducks behind the countertop, clutching a baseball bat. He fumbles for his mobile to call his wife. He is having a psychotic episode due to a medical history of schizophrenia.
Why aren't there any headache tablets in the jungle? Because of the continuing policy of price-fixing cartels within the pharmaceutical industry, making it nigh on impossible for decent standards of helathcare to operate in the developing world.
A man walks into a pub and orders a drink, he then sits down and reads his paper quietly in the corner not disturbing anyone at all.
My dog's got no nose. Still, he's a happy little fella and he's great with the kids.
Two nuns riding down a bumpy road. One nun says 'I've never come this way before'. The other nun says 'That's because they've closed the high street and set up a diversion'.
How do you make a Venetian blind? - With a series of slats and a complicated pulley system
How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb? Generally one, possibly two if it's in quite a precarious position like the top of the stairs and the stepladder needs holding.
A man walks into a pub, and takes from his pocket a 12" high man who plays a tiny piano. Barman asks "Where'd you get him, then". Man replies "It's a mate of mine - he's got primordial dwarfism"
There's a paedophile and he's in the woods with a little boy. Needless to say, it's a harrowing tale. I dont want to go into detail but statistically these sort of abductions aren't that common.
Take my mother-in-law... she's great. She babysits, lent us money for the family holiday and offers my wife emotional support and validation. She's just brilliant.
A ghost walks into a bar. The barman says "I'm sorry, but we have a policy of not serving anthropomorphic representations of the soul. Also, our license doesn't extend to serving beverages of more than 17% proof, so you're out of luck on two counts."
What did one footballer say to the other footballer? - "Let's play football."
A Polish man, a Hungarian man and a Bulgarian man are all sitting together on a floor. It's a false floor on an articulated lorry, they're immigrating to Britain in search of improved standards of living.
How do you make a hormone? By introducing mutations that abrogate signalling via the natural peptide ligands but still preserve stimulation via the drug, spiradoline.
What's brown and sticky? Treacle perhaps, or maybe maple syrup. Really, the answers are legion...I need more parameters damn you.
How can you tell if there's an elephant in your fridge? Well, your fridge would be absolutely fucked for a start, there'd be shit everywhere.
Your mum's so fat that she might suffer from heart problems later in life and should probably consult a dietician before any permanent damage is done.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are lost in the jungle. It's quite a traumatic experience for all concerned, but they are eventually found and rescued.
A bear and a rabbit are having a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says: "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replies, "Yes, its one of the few things that evolution appears to have overlooked."
Why did the chicken cross the road? It's impossible to be certain, but it is likely to have been attempting to escape from a perceived threat. Someone walking their dog, for example. The position of the road itself is probably incidental.
How do you use an Egyptian doorbell? Just press the button and wait for somebody to answer. They're pretty much standard products that would function in the same way as their European counterparts.
Two lions walking through Broadmead. One says to the other, “Quiet for a Saturday”. The other replies, “Yes. No doubt because the shoppers we’d normally expect to find here have fled in terror, although we are well-fed, and present no actual threat to them. We should return to the zoo immediately.”
Ones mother is so fat, the British Geological Survey hired her to test out their Seismographs. (In addition to being fat, she also has a PHD in Geological Science)
"Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards." The doctor sighs and reminds his patient that he is very busy and that this is inappropriate behaviour. He writes the word "prat" in biro on the patient's file.
"My wife's gone to the West Indies." "Jamaica?" "No, Antigua, but she's hoping to visit Martinique on Tuesday."
What's the best thing about having sex with twenty three year olds? Generally they tend to be more physically attractive as the aging process has yet to negatively affect their looks.
You'll never guess who I bumped into in Specsavers. Gyles Brandreth.
My dog's got no nose. It's a tragic deformity really. Especially for an animal to which the sense of smell is so crucial.
How do you get 20 Ethiopians into a mini? Well, you'd have to contact BMW, the new owners of the brand, see if they could construct a one-off version big enough.
What do you do if you see an Ethiopian drowning? The first thing would be to get help by calling for somebody nearby and ringing 999. Remember to think of your own safety. Don’t put yourself in danger by going into the water to rescue someone.
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? — Since smoking is our function, technically this constitutes a workplace so we're not actually allowed to do the job we're here for. It's political correctness gone mad!
This bloke was walking down the street one day and he saw a man with an orange for a head. He stopped to ask the gent why he had an orange for a head, but the gentleman with an orange for a head couldn't answer because he had an orange for a head
How do you titillate an ocelot? Well first, you'd need to find a den in a cave in a rocky bluff, To be honest, though unless you're also an ocelot, you'd probably get your face bitten off.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts? Sadly, a combination of gluten intolerance and incipient hyperglycemia means that Bob Marley is unable to eat donuts. Also, he is deceased.
A crab walks into a bar. The barman says "I'm not serving you, please leave". "Why?" asks the crab. "Because of your aggresive and anti-social attitude. Plus you're a crab".
Q: What did the man say? A: "I'm having sex with this custard"
Knock Knock. . . . . Come In.
Knock knock. "It's already open"
Knock-Knock! "Who's there?" "Doctor!" "Doctor who?""Doctor Brown, you called earlier about that cyst""Oh come in""Thank you""Would you like a cup of tea?""No thank you, i've just eaten lunch"
"Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains" "Ok, let's do some observations and if you're overly concerned I'm happy to refer you to a psychiatry department at your local hospital"
Why do bees hum? It's such a hypnotic sound. Probably something to do with the vibration of their wings, I shouldn't wonder!
Two nuns in the bath, one says "Where's the soap?" The other replies, "It's right there in the dish."
Knock knock. "Who's there" Doctor. "Doctor Who". Doctor Smith. I have the results of your cancer test. Frankly they're not good.
What's the definition of agony? Extreme and generally prolonged pain: intense physical or mental suffering
I just flew in from Florida. Of course I'm using 'flew' in its familiar transferred sense, to mean that I travelled in an aeroplane, which performed the actual flying.
Man in chinese restaurant: "Waiter, this chicken is rubbery." "I'm very sorry sir, I shall have the chef replace it immediately".
Two nun's are driving along, when a vampire jumps out into the road. One nun says "quick! Show him your crucifix". So the other nun does, and it has the desired effect of scaring off the vampire.
"Doctor, I've broken my arm in several places." "Well, don't go to those places." "What I mean is my arm has multiple fractures at different locations along the ulna. I don't want to tell you your job, but how about some form of plaster or splint?"
A man takes his dog to the vet. The vet tells him that he will have to put him down. He goes on to explain that the dog is very old for its breed, and is no longer able to fully digest its food, and that it would be the kindest thing to do.
A man walks into a butchers and the butcher says: "I bet you a million quid can't get those two pieces of meat off the shelf near the ceiling." The man stands on the counter to reach the steaks and the butcher goes bankrupt.
Two anteaters are sitting in a pub. The barman says to them, "is the beer okay?" They assure him that it is. "So," he says, "why the long faces?" "I've got cancer and his wife's just left him," responds the nearer of the two.
So there's this Irishman, Englishman and a Scotsman drinking heavily in a bar. Unfortunately, due to historic differences, it turns into a brawl and all are hospitalised. Luckily the Welshman didn't make it as he was being sick from leeks.
A man walks into a bar. He orders a drink and waits for his friends to turn up.
What's a Greek urn? It's a large jug or vase from Greece.
-Knock Knock. -Who's There? -Nicholas Parsons -Nicholas Parsons who? -The one off the telly.
How many elephants can you fit into a Mini? None.
What do you get if you cross your mum's arse with a knife? Your mum's arse witha fucking knife sticking out of it, that's what.
Theres two buckets of sick walking down the road which was a bit disconcerting for passers by.
Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow and when I woke...as often happens, the memory quickly faded. So I went and had a piece of toast before going to work.
What's blue and sits in the corner? That nice blue vase your missus bought from Ikea last week.
What's the difference between a JCB and a giraffe? One has hydraulics and the other (giraffa camelopardalis) is an African even-toed ungulate mammal.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb? Usually one would be enough unless he or she is suffering from some kind of mental or physical handicap.
Why did the man go to bed with a bottle of castrol gtx under his pillow? Because he wanted to protect all the oil he owned from would be oil thieves, what with the rising price of oil.
Did you hear about the man who fell asleep with his head under the pillow? He woke with all his teeth intact and no sign of any cash, leading him to conclude that there is, in fact, no such thing as a tooth fairy.
A man walks into the doctors with cling-film rapped around his crotch. "Well" says the doctor, "I can clearly see you're insane. Plus I can also see your genitals"
What do you call a man with a bottle on his dick? Bottledick.
A man walks into a burtcher's shop. " I'll have half a pound of greenback bacon please." "I'm sorry" says the butcher"we only have blueback" "Thats OK" the customer replies, "i've got my bike outside"
How many Cornishmen does it take to change a lightbulb? One.
What might you find in a Hippo Campus? A sea horse, you see, the hippocampus is an enfolding of cerebral cortex into the lateral fissure of a cerebral hemisphere, having the shape in cross section of a sea horse.
Toby Steinberg is at the bus stop, What time is the bus due? asks the man next to him. About 5 minutes, Toby replies.
'What time does the Chinese man go to the dentist?", "Whenever's convenient?", "yes, I suppose so".
Whats the most intelligent thing to have come out of a woman's mouth? A difficult question; Shakespeare wrote some insightful lines for his female characters, and the rise of feminism has also seen an increase in the number of female philosphers, but
I thought I saw a Kangaroo today, but it was in fact a grey hound excreting an extremely large poo, giving it the appearance of a tail like a kangaroo.
What do you call a man with a bird on his head? An ornitholigist. Possibly Bill Oddie.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a sweater? An ethical question that would divide modern society along religious and animal welfare lines. Lets hope we never have to answer this.
A man walks into a bar and yelps in pain as the sharp corner strikes him on a particularly sensitive portion of his hip bone.
A pirate walks into a bar with the wheel of his ship down the front of his pantaloons. The barkeeper immediately phones the coast guard, who commence a search and rescue mission for the remaining shipwrecked crew members.
Two nuns are sharing a bath, when one asks, "Where's the soap?" The other replies, "I'm using it to masturbate, wait your turn."
"Doctor, Doctor, my arm hurts every time I wave!" "It sounds like a mild strain. Keep it rested and take two paracetamol if it gets to the point of discomfort, and come back and see me in a week if it isn't getting any better."
'I say, I say, I say, pardon me I have a minor speech impedement'
What did the man with the 12 inch cock have for breakfast? I can't imagine. I mean, its not a very likely scenario. Its very much his own business anyway. Maybe coffee and eggs? There are more important questions in the universe you know!
A man walks into a bar.
What's green and goes up and down? The point of light on an oscilloscope is one example.
"Waiter, this coffee tastes like soil." "Oh my God, I'm so sorry. We just sacked one of the kitchen porters and he must have put soil in with the coffee. I'll comp your meals and give you a free bottle of wine."
What's black, white and red all over? A red newspaper.
Two pieces of tarmac are having a drink, when a red bit of tarmac walks in and demands a drink. 'I'm not serving you', says the barman. 'Why not?', asks the red tarmac At this point, the barman wakes up, and vows never to eat cheese at bedtime again
A woman walks into a bar, and asks for a Double Entendre. So the barman fucks her up the arse.
What type of bees give milk? Milk-bees!
An Irishman, an Englishman & a Scotsman walk into a pub. The Englishman did something which the Scotsman then did in a similar - perhaps identical - fashion. The Irishman did something similar again, but got it slightly wrong and looked a bit foolish
Why did the baker get the sack? Because he raped an elderly customer with a loaf of french bread. It caused quite a stir amongst the locals.
Knock, knock. Go away, I'm not interested in talking to you about Jesus right now. Pesky Mormons.
i'm not rascist, i have a black and white telly at home
two lesbians in the bath one says wheres the soap the other says in the soap dish silly. then they get out and they make sweet lesbian love with a double ended dildo on wet towels on the bed.
What do you call a man with a plank on his head? — Plankhead.
Take my wife....to Iceland. Despite the poor weather we intend to have a barbecue this weekend. Well, the kids love it.
"Waiter waiter, there's a fly in my soup!" "I'm very sorry sir, I shall have chef replace it immediately"
'What od your partents do?' 'They're in the iron and steel business' 'You must be ver rich' 'Yes'
Ardinno
Knock Knock. "Who's There?" "Erm, why don't you just open the door like a normal person?"

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